Self-Employment | Month 6

7.02.2012

It's Month 6 and, while I feel like I'm finally starting to find my groove, I'm also starting to see a lot of my "bad" stress habits rear their ugly heads.  I have a constant feeling of at least semi-anxiety and my old enemy, Insomnia, has made a reappearance (I've been up since 3am this morning...).  I'll wake up in the middle of the night for one reason or another and when it's time to go back to sleep, my brain refuses to shut down.  I start replaying my most recent photo session, making mental notes of what I need to improve, or I'll run my financial sheets in my head to see if I missed something.  I may need to bust out my old bar study tricks of lavender-scented everything and pre-bed time yoga/meditation.  Do you ever have insomnia?  How do you deal with it?

There's also a tiny bit of fear looming in the back of my mind pretty much 24/7.  Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of everything.  It's not necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, it can be very motivating.  Fear of failure motivates for obvious reasons but fear of success can be an even stronger driving force.  The more successful the business becomes, the greater responsibility I feel towards clients, potential clients, and myself.  The reality is, that fear is forcing me to constantly work on and improve my customer service and how I represent my brand.  Again, not a bad thing, but it's a new thing.  And like most new things, it requires an adjustment period.  Learning how to manage, and accept, the fear is a work in progress.  But then again, what isn't?

Of course, it's not all stress-tastic around here.  I often find myself feeling overwhelmed with gratitude.  I just can't believe I actually get to do this - to work for myself in a career tailored to my passion.  Words can't describe how much joy I get from photography and the fact that other people get joy from my photos - and actually want to pay me to take some for them - makes me feel all mushy-gushy inside.  Work always seemed like a chore to me before.  It was something you did because you had to and if you can find something you somewhat enjoy then you're better off than most.  Never did I think you could actually love your work.  Who knew you could fall in love with your career?  Then again, when your work involves moments like this, how could you not love it:

11 Comments:

  1. Stop being so hard on yourself! I say that almost jokingly because I know what you mean. Minus the self employed part but I'm a huge stress case all the time and have a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep, and not having nightmares about things I might forget to do. Woof. But I started using my humidifier with a few drops of calming oil in it and no joke, it helps!

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  2. Aww I love the last paragraph. I can only imagine how fun it would be taking pictures for a living!

    But I agree with Christin, you have to stop being so hard on yourself! Have you tried having business hours to work on the non-photography part of it? Because then you'd have more time to relax and unwind until it;s time to go to sleep!

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  3. i'm so glad that things are going well and most of all that you're happy. the fear must be so scary sometimes but it is worth it in the end. i get insomnia in the middle of the night too. i try playing games with myself. can i name fruits and veggies a-z? cities? desserts & cereals? all 50 states? all my relatives and where they live? sometimes it helps and sometimes i'm up even later trying to figure out the 50th state. darn you, maryland!

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  4. I completely understand you regarding fear. I try not and think about how we don't have funding but the thought does cross my mind a few times a day. It's definitely a motivating factor but still a big big unknown

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  5. I can relate to you on this. Running your own business is incredibly scary, and so rewarding all at the same time. What has helped me, is sticking to a schedule. I go into my office every morning with a cup of coffee and work as if I were at an actual office. And when my mind goes crazy with ideas, I keep track of them by writing them down in my little notebook!
    XX,
    Morgan

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  6. Oh I think I'd have similar fears if I was working for myself too. I don't have your courage, you're inspiring.

    I get bouts of insomnia and I use melatonin and Peppermint tea.

    xoxo
    Tab
    my-cliffnotes.blogspot.com

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  7. Insomnia stinks! Your photography is dreamy!!!!! Oh la la! Love it !!



    Janette, the Jongleur

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  8. that's an amazing picture! love hearing about how working for yourself is. i don't have insomnia but i create a lot of anxiety sometimes and will go back and check things an hour later when all of a sudden a potential problem pops in my brain - i feel your pain there. i hope it all keeps going well!

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  9. insomnia be gone!!! that's no good! i'm sorry!

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  10. I have insomnia too - it drives me nuts. I too wake up at 3 am and then my mind starts racing and before I know it, it's 4 am, then 5. I often try to deep breath and count but sometimes that doesn't help either if my mind is especially active.

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  11. Stephanie - I just made midyear resolutions - I can relate!!!

    I think Christine is right though, stop being so hard on yourself. You're doing what YOU LOVE and that's something worth striving for.

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