I grabbed the shopping list and my multitude of reusable bags (because I never know exactly how many I'll need and I'm not about to pay 10 cents for a paper one...) and head out the door. The city roads were surprisingly clear for a midday drive - maybe it's a good sign that this'll be a short trip, I thought. As I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed it wasn't quite full but a lot of cars were departing and more spaces would be opening up soon. I spotted one fairly close to the entrance and headed over. The car parked to the left of the empty space did a fine job indeed of parking and managed to get just crooked enough to make it impossible for me to pull in straight, but the car parked directly in front of the empty space was about to pull out. Awesome, I thought. I'll just pull all the way forward, straighten out, then back up again into my original spot, making it infinitely easier to back out when it's time to leave the store.
I pulled into the space and proceeded forward into the next spot as the other car backed out so I could straighten out, but before I had the chance to even slip the car into Reverse and slide back into my original spot, I heard angry shouting from the parking lot.
"HEY! BACK UP! THAT'S MY SPOT! WHAT THE HELL IS WORNG WITH YOU? ARE YOU DUMB? BACK UP!!!"
Um, what? Where was this shouting coming from? And why is this guy calling me dumb when all I was doing was straightening out so the next cars wouldn't have to park crooked, too? Apparently this dude thought I was trying to steal "his" spot...
I had no intention of staying in that spot, but I also don't respond well to d-bag bullies so it took me a few second to process the fact that he was even talking to me. If Mr. Anger Management Fail had just waited three seconds before losing his cool, he'd see that I was just about to straighten out the car and back up into my original spot. I mean, who yells at someone in a parking lot like that anyway? You can see why I was confused. It's not even a Monday so that kind of unprovoked rage is totally uncalled for. Apparently my delay to process what he was saying was a few seconds too long for him, though, so he gets out of his car and speed walks over to my driver side window, still yelling.
"I SAID BACK UP!! WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU?? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THAT SPOT! THAT'S MY SPOT DAMMIT!!"
Remember, my masterpiece drawing only depicts one row of cars. This is a not-even-close-to-full Trader Joe's parking lot in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon...
I rolled down my window, just a bit, and said in a perfectly reasonable, even-toned voice, "Okay. I was actually just about to straighten out and back up before you started yelling, but even so, there's a nicer way you could ask. You don't have to be such a d*ck about it." He rolled his eyes and skulked back to his car. Right before he gets back in, he turns to me and yells, "MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE A D*CK IF YOU WEREN'T SO F*CKING DUMB!"
And at that, I started laughing. I just couldn't help myself. And, naturally, he yelled again.
"WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT? YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY!?"
I nodded, still laughing. I thought it was hilarious, actually, because a) it clearly took him the whole walk back to his car to come up with that brilliant comeback and b) his anger was so disproportionate to the situation I doubt he was capable of being anything other than a d*ck. So yeah, I laughed. And then I noticed the guy sitting in the parked SUV in the next space over laughing, too. We shared a SMH moment while I waited for Mr. Anger Management Fail to head into the store - because I know better than to get out of my safe car with that level of crazy just a few feet away.
While browsing the aisles of Trader Joe's, I contemplated the logistics of keying his car on the way back to mine. Accidentally, of course. I mean, if he was all set on being angry, might as well give him something to be angry about, right? I wouldn't have actually done it (probably) but I have to admit, I was a little disappointed to see his jerk-mobile already gone by the time I finished my shopping. Guess I'll just have to rely on karma to even things out.
*I omitted quite a few other curse words he was using. I'll leave those to your imagination.
ps - linking up with Nicole today!